Facing My Fears

Back in February, I wrote that the key to successfully reaching my goals at Stories Ultra was to keep smiling. Don't let myself get trapped in the darkness mentally and physically as the hours pass and the miles add up. I wrote that I've been there before - facing down the 2:00 AM demons and the darkness of the night and have always managed to keep moving - one pedal stroke or footstep at a time. I said that the smile was key and I needed to just keep smiling, no matter what. That outward expression of positivity that will help keep the demons at bay. Easy things to say before a race. Not so easy to put into practice.

There can be no light without darkness. 

And now I find myself making the final preparations for Sangre de Cristo 100. My drop bag is packed. I've written out the plan and the list of things that need to get done at Music Meadows. It's nothing like the detailed, overly specific plan that I'd created for Stories. Keep it simple. The more complicated the instructions, the harder it is for crew to decide on the fly what really needs to be done. Really, it's not hard. Eat, run, drink, hike - repeat. Keep moving. Stay dry, stay warm and mange clothes as needed to accomplish those two tasks. Take care of my feet - don't let the mistakes of Last Call multiply. It all sounds so simple, really. Forward momentum and what ever is required to achieve that purpose.

Will this be the race where it all comes crashing down? When the years of 24 hour racing experience no longer serves to get me to the finish line? I keep hearing the horror stories of non-stop nausea and puking. I've had my share of races where I haven't been able to eat much - I've end competed in an Iron Distance triathlon while in full throws of food poisoning. Not recommended - lost 15 pounds that race! But I've always been able to manage the deficits and balance what I could eat with the distance I had left to travel. Hallucinations. Falling asleep mid stride. It almost feels like if you didn't fall asleep or have hallucinations that you didn't really experience the race. I've looked up at endless darkness broken only by the glittering stars. I've had my attention drawn back to earth through strange noises in the woods - and seen eyes illuminated in my lights. But I've never seen the dancing sea lions or heard voices in my head. I've suffered the extreme fatigue that racing on hard, technical trails for 16 hours provides, but never reached the point where I've fallen asleep while pedaling, no matter how tired I was. These are the things I can hold onto - while I'm a novice ultra runner still when it comes to 100s, my endurance palmeres is well rounded.

It's easy to focus on what can go wrong. Over the course of 104 miles, there's a lot of uncertainty. I know I've done the training - I'm stronger then I was before Stories. I know I'm more mentally prepared for the distance. Last Call was such a smoother 50 mile race then Sheep Mountain so I've been able to put all the lessons to good use. I'm not the same runner who started Stories hoping that there was a chance. At the same time, are you ever really ready for running 104 miles? The answer has to be no. And so at 0400 tomorrow morning, I will step into the unknown. Ready to follow the Rainbow Trail and challenge myself like nothing else.

Reach into the unknown and into your heart for strength